Indian Matrimonial @ ShaadiKaro Matrimonials          

When it comes to marriage, most men and women love to fantasize about their future life partner. Almost everyone, however remotely concerned, seem to carry a clear picture of the person they wish to spend their lives with in their minds, along with an exhaustive list of the qualities or traits they wish to seek in their prospective spouse.

Nevertheless, research & studies have proven that in dealing with matters concerning serious relationships in the real world, men are more fanciful and unrealistic, and therefore, more prone to heartbreaks, disappointments and sometimes, severe disillusionment.

What men want

These are a few glimpses of the matrimonial advertisements placed by the prospecting Indian grooms in the newspapers. Some of these ads are too short & mysterious, failing to convey almost anything commendable about the groom-to-be. Some appear to be a tiring list of their demands of what or whom they want as their bride, while mentioning little about what or who they are (mostly because they have only that very little much to say).

The world is filled with all kinds of men, but when it comes to marriage, the Indian male can easily be bracketed into a handful of kinds.

“There was a time when the khandaan (the clan) and the charitra (the character) of both boys & girls were dissected, which formed the pre-requisite for a marriage,” spoke the mother of an eligible daughter. “Then only the status of the family was seen; later it came down to how much dowry can be had by the groom. Today, dowry maybe a passé in some communities, but the nakhras (tantrums) of the ladkewalas (groom’s family) seem to have swelled up.”

Agrees another parent, “In the educated and progressive communities, another menace seem to have sprung up; Whereas dowry is now taken only by those boys who are incapable of earning a decent living, most of them want their wife to be a ‘super woman’ - a woman with flawless complexion, drop-dead gorgeous looks & figure of a model; who cooks like their mother, works like a house maid, and could even earn for herself… In general an angel and a virgin to top it all… It’s like all men want a Sita for a wife, not realizing that they are no Ram themselves.”

Seeking Miss Perfect
In the case of arranged marriage, most of the times the grooms-to-be are a confused lot and their decision about the bride is largely influenced by a number of external factors.

Infatuation with celebrities: No matter how stupid or shallow it may sound, the truth about the deep influence of cinema on the minds of people cannot be denied. More so, on the minds of men who can’t stop dreaming of ‘Aishwarya Rai’, ‘Madhuri Dixit’ or ‘Bipasha Basu’ and secretly begin to nurture the desire of marrying someone like them.

All is bright and fanciful as long as the dreams do not clash with reality. Several years of their infatuation & romance with one such 'mental image' come to an abrupt end with the decision of marriage (made by their parents). Under these circumstances, it is only natural for such dreamy-eyed, infatuated men, who have painted a picture of the woman of their dreams in their mind over the years, to face confusion and disappointment in the real world. What they fail to understand is that it is wrong for them to think that only by marrying a woman with the looks of 'Aishwarya Rai' can they remain happy in their marriage, when actually they’ve never known them personally and their infatuation with their glamorous looks is barely skin deep! Such an obsession, which is driven by a biased perception, is hard to be met in the 'real' world by a 'real' woman made of flesh and blood with 'real' imperfections and this bound to cause disillusionment.

Friends and Peers: Another factor could be the influence cast by friends and peers these men look upto. For example, if they see a friend marrying a beautiful wife, they too pine for one. If they listen to their friends boasting about the kind of proposals they get, they too desire the same. For these men, marriage is not just a sacred bond between two individuals; it is some sort of a ‘package deal’, where exhibiting a fair, beautiful and attractive wife in parties and social gatherings not only leads to enhancement of status amongst friends and peers, but could open the doors of long-term professional success.

36’ 24’ 36’: “With the increase in number of beauty contests, many men want to have a woman with a figure 10”, says the result of a survey conducted recently on the kind of women men desire as their life partners. At least in India the situation is such that nine times out of ten, men want a really beautiful and fair damsel, not bothering to take a look at themselves in the mirror. There are very few guys who though want a looker, but are willing to settle for anyone looking decent. “The most hilarious part is that even if a girl is just a few kilos overweight or an inch plumper, she will be rejected”, revealed the mother of a dear friend who’s been facing perpetual rejections on account of her less-than-perfect figure.

These are intelligent and sensitive men, who do have expectations out of their prospective spouses, but don’t believe in superimposing them or judging their bride-to-be on the basis of the long list of their own requirements. They know that in the decision of marriage that involves life-long commitment from both the individuals, it is utterly wrong for the groom-to-be alone to assume the role of the decision maker and pass a judgment on the girl while holding very high and impractical expectations from her. They are looking for someone to share their lives in all aspects and vice versa. Someone who is not just slim & stunning, but is understanding and compatible; one, who is on the same wavelength and can prove to be a good companion at all times. More importantly, someone who is a genuine person and loves, accepts and respects them for who and what they are. And since a relationship as sustaining as marriage is a constant ‘give and take’ affair and is based on mutual love and acceptance, this clearly means that these are also the kind of traits most women look out for in their prospective spouse; In other words, in order to desire, you must first be deserving of the same!

• Get introduced to yourself like you were meeting a stranger
• Know yourself inside out
• Study your profile and personality
• Ask your friends and family to help you with their views and opinions about your behaviour, personality and life-style. Ask them what they like or dislike about you, and what are the changes they think you need to bring in yourself to become a more acceptable person
• Think practically about the kind of girl who would be capable of living with you, not someone you have been fantasizing about for years. Remember, looks come second. It is the temperament, attitude, upbringing and behaviour of the girl that is eventually going to be the determining factor in your marriage.
• Any relationship works two ways, not one. In order to receive, you must first be willing to give. A marriage that is based on mutual love, understanding and trust will not only make the married life happy, but will also last a lifetime.
• Don’t keep your expectations sky high; Keep your options open & flexible and compromise on issues that are petty and can be overlooked or ignored in a major decision like marriage.
• Set your priorities right. Don’t take decisions with a confused mind or under the influence of friends, family or other obligations. Don’t just say yes to a woman just because she was your family’s choice. You have to live with her. Make sure the girl feels the same way as you do, and that she has not agreed under pressure. Remember, marriage is not a kid’s game and one wrong decision can lead you to a complete disaster.

And as they say, “A happy man is a happy family, a happy woman is a happy world!”