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Just
Talk it Out ! |
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How
ironical! Here we are surfing, trying to find our life partners
on the net. In a way we are celebrating the triumph of technology
over the world and the stars. With satellite, mobiles, television,
computers, nothing seems impossible. It is almost like man trying
to play God. Time and distance hardly seem to matter. We can contact
our loved ones who live across the globe in a matter of seconds.
And therefore it is said that we have reached the pinnacle of the
communication revolution. But here lies the irony. Human communication
is still in its most outdated of forms! |
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Despite
modern tools that facilitate communication of ideas, feelings and
emotions; relationships are becoming more complex and fragile! Marriage,
the most basic institution that makes a family, and then the whole
society; is breaking down! Why? One of the main culprits is POOR
COMMUNICATION! |
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The
institution of marriage has been the biggest casualty of miscommunication
because personal communication and feedback are two crucial elements
of communication that have been completely neglected by us. Most
marriages experience a glorious period in the beginning. But the
post - honeymoon period bears witness to turbulent times. The Cinderella
stories turn into a never-ending nightmare when couples fail to
communicate. This happens especially after the initial euphoria
recedes and a monotonous routine sets in. Responsibilities increase,
weighing down upon young couples that are not yet mature enough
for a new relationship. They fail to realise that special efforts
have to be made to start a new relationship along with the new roles
assigned to them. The transition from fiancé / fiancée
to a husband / wife relationship should be a gradual one, not like
a sudden accident that occurs. |
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The
most common complaints of working couples are, 'I have a computer
for a rival for my spouse's attention', 'We haven't had a meal together
since ages'. And then it is snowballed by the endless questions
that plague them when their spouse's fail to communicate - Has he
fallen out of love? Have I displeased her? Is he having an affair
outside? If the workload is humongous, one can always explain the
facts to the spouse instead of a rude -- 'forget it, you won't understand'.
Enlisting your spouse's help can also be a great idea. Working together
not only deflates the stress levels but also makes the experience
fun. More ever, such memories can be cherished for a lifetime. |
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If one goes into the dynamics of good communication to avoid
errors, technically speaking there are 5 key elements that together
make a communication successful:
1) the Sender
2)
the Message
3)
the Medium
4)
the Receiver
5)
the Feedback
All of the above mentioned elements are essential and need
to be chosen carefully.
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For
example, the kind of medium selected is very crucial. Many a real
life love stories end even before they even
start to blossom. Fate conspires and love letters don’t
reach on time, mails mysteriously disappear, phone conversations
are not comprehended, the context is not well understood etc. |
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Let's
take an example. Smita had asked her husband Purab to come early
in the evening since they had to attend a marriage party together.
Purab suddenly got called for an important meeting and he hurriedly
left a message with the maid at the house that he won't be able
to make it. The maid must never have imagined in the wildest of
her dreams, that she will be instrumental in starting up a crack.
A small error which will eventually lead to a breakup of Smita’s
marriage. And the only mistake the maid committed was that she failed
to pass the message on to her mistress! |
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Most
important of all the above elements is Feedback.
It is also the most neglected part of a communication process. Without
it, the process is incomplete. When a wife puts her heart and soul
into her culinary skills to prepare an excellent meal, the husband
too should appreciate and compliment her to show that he acknowledges
her efforts (never mind if the vegetable is salty and the naans
are burnt black). A simple, 'You can outdo Sanjeev Kapoor anytime',
will suffice and make her feel as if she is on the ninth cloud. |
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Then
there's Vani's case. Vani was going to meet Ravi for the first time
since they had come to know each other through the net. When the
meeting finally took place, she was very happy. He was all she had
imagined him to be. But, there was a surprise in store for her.
When they met online the next day, he refused to recognize her,
let aside having met her. She was completely confused and heartbroken.
She had secretly cherished a liking for Ravi and suddenly she did
not know what to do or say. 'It was not as if I had asked for a
marital commitment. We could have remained friends', she thought.
Ravi might have had his own reasons for not getting in touch with
her. Ravi might have had his own reasons for not getting in touch
with her. A relative's accident or an urgent business trip abroad.
Whatever might have been the reason, Vani did become a victim of
poor communication. |
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There
are things that need to be said. Communication cannot occur in a
vacuum. It is impossible to read minds or faces or possesses telepathic
powers. Feelings need to be conveyed in clear and unambiguous words. |
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Barriers
to communication: |
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1)
Ego: The most potent of all factors that create barriers
in effective communication.
Neither of the couple is ready to initiate a conversation after
a fight. 'Why me?' The bruised Ego does not allow words, as
simple as 'sorry' or 'please forgive me', to flow out. |
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Possible
Solution: The pen is mightier than the sword. Words can be
used to make peace and end war. Slip a 'sorry' or 'forgive me' note.
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2)
Elders: It is very difficult to fight or say sweet things
to your spouse in front of your parents, in-laws or elders.
Certain code of conduct has to be followed when elders around. |
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Possible
Solution: Send them off on a surprise Yatra. They will be happy
and so will you! |
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3)
Attitudinal incompatibility or lack of common interests:
If one is an outgoing disco freak and the other is an introvert,
a recluse; it becomes very difficult to find a common link to
keep the marriage going. |
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Possible Solution:
More the differences, the luckier you are. Try and respect the others
feelings and preferences. Find a middle way out. Spend one weekend
at home the other in a nightclub. Have fun. It is very important in
a relationship to have fun irrespective of your age. It will ensure
that you do not stagnate in your relationship of a LIFETIME, which
is much more than an uncomfortable WEEKEND. |
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4)
Gender issues: Women have earned themselves the tag of
being ‘sentimental fools’ who take trivial matters
to great lengths whereas men are pronounced as ‘stone
hearted’ spineless creatures who are clueless as to the
sentiments of the fairer sex. |
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Possible Solution:
Now that the times are changing the gap should be sealed with appropriate
Communication and Feedback mechanisms. Relationships need to be dealt
with on an individual basis where there is an open, free and a candid
atmosphere between the people involved. Leave no room for misunderstandings.
Improve your listening habits, to become a good communicator one has
to be a good listener. |
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Lets talk it out. Let
us bring our grievances to the table without any inhibitions or preconceived
notions and let us sort our matters out in a mature and responsible
way. "Never ever sleep over a fight" is what the modern
communication expert's advice. People need to be assured and
reassured when in a relationship. You care for somebody,
love somebody then just don't keep it to yourself, say it. Bee Gees'
famous song "Its only words - and words are all I have - to take
your heart away", says it all and so beautifully. Whisper sweet
nothings into the ears of your loved one. Communicate your innermost
feelings, your likes your dislikes, your expectations your passions,
your grudges your insecurities (naa naa... not in an aggressive manner
but a calm and neutral manner). They are like parasites, like crabs
that eat into your heart and become your nemesis if you harbour them
for long. They not only destroy you, but the people whom you love
too. |
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I like not only to
be loved, but to be told that I am loved; the realm of
silence is large enough beyond the grave. |
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George Eliot |
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