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Mother-in-law
the KALI reincarnated? |
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What's
the difference between Out-Laws and In-Laws?
Answer: Outlaws are wanted. |
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Jokes
apart, why is "hate-my-in-laws" a universal scene? Why
do people who love everything about their spouse hate their in-laws?
Why do conflicting relationships with in-laws most of the times
result in marital discord? |
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Since
time immemorial, every society irrespective of caste, colour, and
creed have fought its in-laws. Is there just no way that the peace
can be kept and love not lost between? |
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The
most stereotyped of the in-law relationships is definitely the mother-in-law
and daughter-in-law duo. Why are the most loved mothers transformed,
or at least projected, as most hated mothers-in-law? Who is this
woman you are destined to call and accept as your mother-in-law?
What is it about them that have been giving Ekta Kapoor's Balaji
Productions material to churn out soaps after soaps? |
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Let’s keep aside all the stereotypes and prejudices or
even personal hatred and define a mother-in-law...
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We
believe that moms were made because God couldn't be present everywhere.
If that is accepted then we also have to agree that God made Mothers-in-law
because mothers couldn't come along with us to our married homes. |
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But
then we have always presented mothers-in-law as crooked, unprincipled
and scheming characters always wrecking the peace of daughters-in-law.
Maybe we could, after all give them also a single chance to justify
or at least explain all the heartlessness that they are branded
with. |
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By
moms-in-law, we are mostly referring to the husband's mother, as
most conflicts arising are between the saas-bahu and not the saas-daamad
duo. |
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First
things first, why do most women and men have trouble with their
mothers-in-law? They always complain that these women are bossy,
nosey, fussy, and very evil. The entire problem in the first place
lies in perception and relation to what they have to say. Women
usually are used to advice and counsel whether asked or unasked
for. And, mothers-in-law also tend to give their suggestions with
a feeling that they know best and also because they only want the
best for their child's family. |
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This
good-intentional advices and suggestions are termed as nosey and
arrogant. Most women tend to feel that they have no say in their
husband's life with the mother occupying all the space but forget
their own mother's who are also doing the same with them. Why the
hatred towards a lady who has given birth to, nurtured and presented
to you an extended part of her own self? (Fathers-in-law in most
cases are spared of all hatred and dislike. Lucky people!) |
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Marriages
usually start off so nicely. Everyone cooperates. Things usually
run smoothly. But somewhere along the way, marital disputes pop
up. This is of course natural, but these can rise to dangerous levels
if not dealt with correctly. |
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What
one needs to do is to put away the stereotypes about in-laws and
adjust your thinking to the reality of the situation. Love unconditionally
and see them follow suit. Compromise yourself, do not ego clash
by trying to dominate them. |
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Never
compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad. Comparisons
need to be avoided since every individual is different. In-laws
should not be compared to parents. Your parents have to love you
and may also give in to all your whims and fancies; it's natural
and expected. But your in-laws won't. Accept the fact that your
in-laws aren't your parents and won't follow the same rules. Try
to think "different", not "better" or "worse."
To make this work, give in on small points and negotiate the key
issues. Learn to see the situation from your in-law's point of view.
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Always remember everybody
is but an extended version of their parents and to everybody they
shall mean as much as your parents do to you. Your in-laws are a crucial
part of your spouse's life. This makes them a crucial part of your
life as well. No one ever said it was easy to balance your needs with
the needs of others especially the needs of an entire new family. |
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Never put your spouse
in a situation where he or she has to choose between you and a relative.
If you do so, you're putting your spouse in a nearly impossible bind.
Instead, try to understand the bond your spouse has with his or her
grandparents, parents, and siblings. If possible, try to support that
relationship. Even if your spouse has parents who do not approve of
you, they are his or her parents and love him nevertheless. |
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One thing that really
helps often is to let your in-laws help. Ask for help when you need
it. It really will make a world of difference in your life. For if
you yourself try to play the perfect parent, perfect spouse, or perfect
whatever you're continually trying to be, you'll find yourself on
one of the fastest roads to anger, stress, and just plain getting
worn out. When you allow the other members of the family to participate,
life becomes much easier and calmer. |
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Expect some adjustment
time for parents after marriage to adjust to this new relationship.
Do not jump to conclusions at the beginning itself. You will realize
it that if you act in haste, it won't be easy to build bridges and
rebuild some that have been burnt. To balance between your spouse
and the in-laws, you have to love them both unconditionally. For theres
no better way of pleasing your spouse than being affectionate to his/her
parents. And, winning over in-laws is easier by being cordial to your
spouse. All the while pleasing yourself too. Never let misconceptions
or misunderstandings stand for long. If something bothers you, address
it as soon as possible. Sometimes it's a genuine problem; other times,
it might be a misunderstanding. Whatever it is, at least it gets a
solution at the earliest. |
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Encourage a good relationship
of your spouse with your family and also make efforts to develop good
relations with the spouse's family. You will see for yourself that
accepting makes being accepted much more easier. When couples join,
so do their households. Starting a life together can mean compromising
on some habits you already have, or beginning entirely fresh. Respect
each other; trying to achieve balance won't work otherwise. Accept
each other's families as your own and you will find yourself realizing
that all the horror stories you had believed to be related to in-laws
didn't exist in your world. |
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Last not the least,
remember that do what you may, you are forever indebted to your in-laws
for having blessed you with a great part of their life which now forms
your other half. |
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