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Marriage Humour lll
You must be
married; know someone who has been married or possibly even have
a married family member ;) The following is not intended as an
endorsement of that condition. Nor is it intended to condemn the
sanctity of marriage as a whole. Actually, there is no such motive,
just a desire to entertain with a little humour and from what
someone had said, as ‘little’ humour as possible.
Just sit back and enjoy, have a few chuckles at your partner's
/ lover's / (dare I say it?) spouse's expense!
Five Toughest Questions Women
Ask
The 5 toughest questions women
ask - and their answers
The questions are:
1. "What
are you thinking?"
2. "Do you love me?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
4. "Do you think she is prettier
than me?"
5. "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad
is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument
and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to
say dishonestly. For example:
1. "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry
if I've been lost in my thoughts dear. I was just reflecting on
what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely
one of five things:
- Cricket
- Football
- How
fat you are.
-
How much prettier she is than you.
- How
he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the sassy
article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al
Bundy, of ‘Married With Children’, who was asked it
by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said,
"I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2. "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those
guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,
dear”. Wrong answers include:
- I
suppose so.
- Would
it make you feel better if I said yes.
- That
depends on what you mean by "love".
-
Does it matter?
- Who,
me?
3. "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers include:
- I
wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
- Compared
to what?
- A
little extra weight looks good on you.
-
I've seen fatter girls.
- Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4. "Do you think she's
prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend,
a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause
a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any
case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
- Not
prettier, just pretty in a different way.
- I
don't know how one goes about rating such things.
- Yes,
but I bet you have a better personality.
-
Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
-
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
5. "What would you do
if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely
demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl
myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck
that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of
the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I
died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?", said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife
after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would
you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take
down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And
I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is
left-handed."
Is that fair?
Life is indeed cruel to men. When they are born, their mothers
get compliments and flowers, when they get married their brides
get presents and publicity and when they die their wives get the
sympathies and the insurance money. I sincerely believe that whosoever
termed the fair sex as the weaker sex has done an unfair thing
since the weaker sex is indeed the stronger sex because of the
weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.
Marital relations
Those who marry in haste repent in leisure. It is true that marriages
are made in heaven, but when the couples join hands on the earth,
it becomes just another union that defies management. As the resonance
of the wedding recede into the background, the notes of discord
start appearing and the ‘better half' starts looking like
the bitter half. It does not take long for the man to wonder what
happened to the girl he married and for the girl to wonder what
happened to the man she didn't marry. But most often the discord
happens on account of the average husband's ambition to be able
to afford what his wife is spending. As it always happens in such
cases, the joint account is never over-drawn by the wife, it is
always under-deposited by the husband.
Old couples, however, say that such differences between husband
and wife are only spice of conjugal relationships; for, where
there is no difference there must be a vast degree of indifference.
The harmony arising out of love is the essence that sustains marital
happiness. It has certain well defined secrets. To be happy with
a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot. To
be happy with a woman, you have to love her a lot and understand
her a little. Mutual trust and confidence is the other touchstone
of marital harmony, as every husband expects himself to be his
wife’s first love while every wife hopes herself to be her
husband’s last romance.
In the ultimate analysis, however,
marriage turns out to be like an American cafeteria: you choose
what you like and pay for it later. What you pay and how much
you pay depends upon your luck. For, it takes quite a bit of luck
to make a wife out of a woman. Remember! God created Woman after
Man, and ever since then she has been after man.
Deranged Marriage
"What are you doing today, oh mother of my
children?" queries papaji.
"Well," replies mumyji, "I think I'll get some
chores out of the way, like marrying off your son!"
"What a great idea." agrees dad. "You do that while
I wash the cars!"
And so the wheels of the 'marriage
machine' are set in motion. Once moving anyone wishing to stop
them is simply steam rolled over! Before long an unsuspecting
couple find that it has carried them all the way to the temple.
Accompanied by a million voices commanding their every move,
they sit cross legged in total bewilderment wondering which
order to obey first.
Evolution of the arranged marriage actually starts as soon as
the grades have been achieved, the job secured and the Maruti-Suzuki
acquired. For then, life for the single Indian suddenly shifts
into the "eligible" gear. Not only do mum and dad
treat you like a prized poodle, even the family relations (most
of whom you never knew you had) suddenly become very aware of
your existence, height, weight, qualifications and shoe size!
Your eligible presence is announced to anyone and everyone who
may be remotely connected to a potential partner! Usually this
takes the form of word-of- mouth or for the more discerning
families, the Matrimonial section of Des Pardes! Whichever method
is used, it does not really matter, for the Indian grapevine
is far more effective than any 'information super highway'!
Once the word is out on the street, the marriage gangsters have
got you!
The belief that "marriages are made in heaven" holds
little value for Indians on the 'arranged marriage’ train.
Instead, what quickly becomes apparent is that "marriages
are made by Aunty Gulabo" - who has a very high success
rate! A lady who is believed to harbor an advanced scientific
method to ensure that 100% chemistry is achieved between her
‘arrangements’, which says that one of them must
be a male and the other not!
Hyperactive ladies such as Aunty Gulabo, have successfully converted
a fun-time hobby into full-time employment. One that is best
described as a ‘marriage broker’. The broker's portfolio
contains ‘you’ as the investment being hedged against
unattached stock floating on the market!
Although she acts as the go-between, you can be assured that
she'll go-between,
under, over and sideways to make sure that the couple reach
that temple on time!
Only then can another notch be etched on the ‘number of
marriages I have fixed’ scale.
So what do parent's look for in their outlawed (in-law to be)
son? Financial security (supported by the last three pay slips),
of good repute (no punch-ups with rival gangs), an education
(minimum four GCSEs) and having a strong body with no hereditary
diseases. Similarly, the son's parents have their specification
of requirements. A sheltered and easily-satisfied home (with
no exposure to MTV) followed by competence in housework, a degree
in kitchen management studies and a willingness to conform to
their pattern of living!
Further to these demands, the arrangees themselves add their
own ideals. The lady looks for intellect to feed weekend dinner
parties, a broad outlook to ensure a balanced approach, appreciation
and practice of sexual equality, kindness, generosity, trust-worthiness
...and on and on and on! Fortunately, the guy's requirements
can, for all intensive purposes, be reduced to one; she must
be a babe!
With so many variables, constraints and participants involved,
it's a real wonder that such projects ever see the light of
day, let alone result in an ever-lasting marriage! Nevertheless,
they do and there is a sporting chance that the two families
will live happily ever after (sometimes, this includes the couple
themselves)!
Indeed there is a high probability of AM (Arranged Marriage)
occurring in the morning to start a PM (Perfect Marriage) in
the afternoon. Well, there is, if Aunty Gulabo got her sums
right!
How some Indian marriages start
The awkward first phone call
The Scene:
The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker, working in New
York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given
her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's
brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.
Time:
Monday night, 10 pm
Girl: Hello?
Boy: Shit, she's home! Umm,
hi! Is this Pooja?
Girl: Speaking.
Boy: My name is Karan. I don't know if you know who
I am. God, what if she doesn't
know who I am? I don't even know why I’m doing this!
Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?
Boy: Yeah. Ok,
so she was told about me, that's some relief. I wonder what
she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair and he
graduated from Ivy League school!". God, she probably hates
me already!
Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number.
I can't believe he actually called!
Boy: So, how are you? Oh
yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I am supposed
to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to be my
wife?
Girl: I'm fine. And you? Ok,
this is off to a great start
Boy: I'm good. Ok, think,
think! So, I heard you're an investment banker?
Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be
a bad conversationalist and an idiot!
Girl: Yes.
Boy: Ok, she
is not helping me at all! Where do you work?
Girl: Merrill Lynch.
Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! I
sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up except my
mother would somehow find out and kill me!
Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. God,
this guy sounds like a complete loser
Boy: So... Stall, Stall!
Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology?
Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!
Boy: Ok, I can handle this... Yeah,
I'm in my second year. Alright,
now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink? Cause
if you want to marry me, you can't be one of those goody goody
Indian girls who think that if they kiss a guy, they've practically
gone all the way So, what do you
like to do in your free time?
Girl: Umm... get wasted... Oh,
you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies…
Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?
Girl: Shit, what am I supposed to say?
This guy could be some religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll
say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink... Oh,
sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that
are good... That was good, I made it sound like
I like clubs, but I'm not really into them...
Boy: Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good
sign. If she was really religious she wouldn't do that. Yeah?
I like to dance also.
Girl: He likes to dance- that's a good
sign. He can't be that stiff! So where do you
hang out in Boston?
Boy: Should I say it? Alright, I'll say
it, what the hell! Umm, the same, bars, clubs,
stuff like that.
Girl: He said bars! So he probably drinks.
Good sign. I should explore this further... Are
there any good bars in Boston?
Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not
a huge drinker, but I like having a good time. Ok,
that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but
is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself
Girl: That sounds really positive. This
guy sounds kind of cool. But if he's so cool why is he calling
me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Or not need to call random
girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he's completely
ugly? Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents
never find out.
Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.
Girl: Ok, so he didn't freak out at the
living a double life reference- another good sign. I just wish
I knew what he looked like... So...
Boy: Or she could be really fat with a
huge mustache. Well, there's only one way to find out! So…
I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some friends
in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together
for coffee sometime.
Girl: Coffee. That's totally safe. If
he's totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like
hell! Yeah, that sounds great.
Boy: Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's
pretty harmless. And who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I
have to get the hell out of this conversation... So
I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can
figure it out?
Girl: E-mail is sooo much better than
the phone. Thank God for e-mail! Yeah, just e-mail,
I check it all the time at work, so -
God, this is getting painful
Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon. Meaning
in two days, cause I don't want to look too desperate, but at
the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look
too desperate
Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. I
think...
Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon. Please
be hot, please be hot!
Girl: Alright. Bye. I
can't believe he called! Too late to back out now. Besides,
maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on the phone.
Boy: Bye. I did it! I
am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she definitely wants
me…
Yeh Shaadi Nahi Ho Sakti…
They've finally gone and done it! The parents have arranged
one of those ‘meetings’ where ‘any other business’
is "Would you like pink balloons or red ones at the wedding
reception?"
Yes! You're being introduced to a potential marriage partner.
But to your horror Prince/Princess Charming (less) has a personality
about as interesting as your big toe, wears clothes straight
from the Patiala fashion show for Punjabi Farmers, has a face
like a Pizza (with extra olives) and worst of all, is an Accountant!
So how do you tell them that you're not interested? Well, there
are obvious ways to say "Take a hike, Jack (or Jaswinder)!"
but that could lead to teary eyes all round! So for your well-being,
here is "Ten Ways To Say Get Lost - With A Smile."
It may help you to adjourn the meeting more gracefully so you
can live to have another one the following weekend!
1. Wipe your nose on your
sleeve and then wipe it on theirs - twice
2. Order a bucket of ghee
to put in your saag during roti
3. Sit on the dining table
and shout loudly for food
4. Tell them about your
cuddly animal with which you like to sleep (i.e. the neighbour's
bullock)
5. After roti, lick your
plate frantically - then offer to lick theirs
6. When serving the ladoos,
shout "Catch!" and throw it at them
7. Talk with your mouth
full and spray the samosa filling when talking
8. Ask if anyone knows any
good Punjabi swear words. When they say no, proceed
to tell them all the ones that you know. Direct them at the
grand mother
for more effect
9. Ask if you can tattoo
your name on their forehead - in Punjabi
10. Cat whistle at the parents - especially
at the mother (whether you're a boy
or a girl)
If this doesn't do it, we suggest you go for the pink balloons
at the reception!
Accident
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After
a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas
Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along
a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the
road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to
help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple;
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.
Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
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Answer: The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone
knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect
man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This
explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a
woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:
Women never listen! |
