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You must be married; know someone who has been
married or possibly even have a married family member ;) The following is
not intended as an endorsement of that condition. Nor is it intended to
condemn the sanctity of marriage as a whole. Actually, there is no such
motive, just a desire to entertain with a little humour and from what
someone had said, as ‘little’ humour as possible.
Just sit back and enjoy, have a few chuckles at your partner's / lover's /
(dare I say it?) spouse's expense!
Marriage Jokes
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose whom to save,
would you go to lunch or to a movie?
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only SEEMS
longer.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing
to die.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
“My best friend is getting married”
“Against whom?”
In marriage, as in war,
it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke, or
a good wife.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I am a nobody, nobody
is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
My wife and I have a
secret to making a marriage last.
Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food....
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I take my wife
everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Maya, pack up your
things! We are going out of town! I just won a lottery!" The wife
replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man
responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you are out of the house by
noon!"
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember. Marriage is
the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start
with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I
just didn't know her first name was Always.
She: I don't think I'd marry the best man on earth.
He: If you marry me you wouldn't be taking that risk.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my
fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
I have learned there is
little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first.
It doesn't matter how
often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad'
in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred
letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
Did you know why one's
native language is called ‘mothertongue’?
'cos the father hardly gets the opportunity to speak.
Marriage is a gamble.
You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. She shows a heart. Her father
has a club. His father has a spade. There's usually a joker around
somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen.
Then they end up with a full house.
A perfect wife is one
who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her
friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multimillionaire".
When a man steals your
wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
If you want your wife
to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your
sleep.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
A man, upon his
engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like
mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
Just think, if it
weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults
at all.
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband
and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no
one pays the least bit of attention
How do most men define
marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way
to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do
not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest
period between romances.
Marriage is an
institution - but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is bliss.
Ignorance is bliss.
Marriage is a matter of
give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take
what I have to give.
Marriage is like a hot
bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a
mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside
are trying to get out.
Marriage is a way of
finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage means
commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers
one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in
which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet
of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the
license.
May you grow so rich
your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
My opinions are my
wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Marriage is not a word.
It is a sentence - a life sentence.
Marriage is very much
like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love
is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage certificate is
just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a
having a wife, but also having Worries Inherited For Ever.
Marriage requires a man
to prepare 4 types of rings:
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The Suffe-Ring
The Endu-ring
It is true that love is
blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
It's true that all men
are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't
appear to realize that you set it free... You either married it or gave
birth to it!
He: You look like a smart girl; let's get married.
She: Nothing doing: I'm just as smart as I look.
She: Will you promise me never to gamble?
He: But aren't we to be married?
"Do you think that Jack will love me even more when we are
married?"
"My dear, of course he will. He just adores married women!"
Rohit: Tell me, darling, do you like my moustache?
Rita: Between you and me, I don't.
Husband : You know dear, our son got his brain from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
A husband said to his
wife, "Your mother has been living with us for 5 years now. Isn't it
time she got herself her own apartment?"
"My mother?" said the wife, "I thought she was your
mother!"
A couple had three
children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child
was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear.
Is this third child really mine?"
"Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are
not."
At the silver wedding
anniversary party, a husband was standing in one corner, looking very sad.
"What's the matter?" asked his friend.
"Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife,
but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years. Now I realise that today I
would have been a free man."
During their silver
anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you
proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my
life."
When a guy marries, his
wife has three qualities.
She is an economist in the kitchen,
an aristocrat in the living room and
a devil in bed.
After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the
same order
She is an aristocrat in the kitchen,
a devil in the living room and
an economist in bed.
After a quarrel, a wife
said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you”.The
husband replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it”.
When a man opens the
door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife is.....
This guy goes to a
party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife
“Pass the sugar, Honey”.
Inspired by this, the next morning at breakfast with his wife, he says to
his wife,
"Pass the bacon, Pig".
Wife: You tell a man
something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of
the mouth
A man’s credit card was
stolen but he decided not to report it as the thief was spending less than
his wife did.
A couple was having a
heated discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded,
"If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied,
"My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Before marriage, a man
yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
Marriage is the triumph
of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man
and woman become as one,
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in
heaven.
But so again are thunder and lightning.
My wife told me I
should be more affectionate. So I got two more.
Smart man + smart woman
= romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
A successful man is one
who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man,
you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot but never try to
understand her.
A married man should
forget his own mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
The wife has the last
word in any argument.
Anything her hubby says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
"Yesterday, I asked Priya for her hand."
"Did she give it to you?"
"Unfortunately, in my eye".
"He looked so stupid when he proposed to me"
"Well, my dear, look what a stupid thing he was doing!"
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets
the more interested he is in her!
A man was complaining to a friend "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman and then, Poof! it was all
gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife
found out..."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and still think they look good!
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am
- I married the wrong man."
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and
the woman get her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still
paying for it."
Young son, "Is it true, Dad, that in some countries a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her?"
Father, "That happens in most countries, son."
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was
too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But, when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why!
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