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How is the bride selected in an arranged marriage?
How is the groom chosen?
What are they thinking about while making the choice?
What do their respective parents think?
Now, finally, we have some answers! In an investigative report conducted
by a team of 29 top-notch investigators from various investigative
agencies such as the CID, CIA, CBI, MI5.9, RAW, and KUKD, a much
clearer picture of what really happens has emerged. This report
presents the facts.
It is never easy finding a bride or a groom. That is the reason
the guy ‘upstairs’ created the middleman (go-between)
who is usually a woman. Of course, in the space-age we live in,
it could also be a computer matching the couple-to-be, but more
likely would be the ‘Wanted’ ads in the major newspapers,
A typical matrimonial for a bride runs as follows:
Wanted:
Tall, fair, beautiful, cultured, professional girl for well-settled,
Punjabi Khatri boy in his late twenties, drawing a 5 figure income.
Caste, creed, religion no bar.
Translation:
We are desperate! We have a 29 1/2 year old son who's never been
on a date. He earns very little which he blows on booze and gambling.
We don't give a damn who the girl is as long as she has a decent
reputation. And our charlie is getting desperate.
A typical matrimonial for a groom usually goes like this:
Wanted:
Tall, handsome, well-settled, professional boy, 26-28 yrs. for fair,
beautiful, homely Aggarwal girl, finishing her MA this year. Send
returnable photo.
Translation:
We are sick and tired of all these bozos we've been seeing for our
daughter! We want to marry her off before she starts getting ideas
of a career and gets out of hand. Her boyfriends are beginning to
become a pain in the neck. Non-Aggarwals need not apply.
Either through the newspaper or the go-between (usually the masi's
bhabhi's younger sister's friend's aunt who has nothing better to
do than make matches and then bore the whole world with details
of all the ’successes’ she's had with getting people
together), the respective parents finally narrow the list to the
’good’ prospects. Then comes the harrowing part of going
to teas (and dinners) to meet the meat. The shopping is underway!
Boy
meets girl. Girl meets boy. Girl's younger sisters go to
the movies. |
This is the crucial stage! First impressions last for a long, long
time and word-of-mouth about lousy first impressions can ruin one's
future prospects. So, it's time for the finest silk and polyester
to come forth and drape the girl and guy, respectively. The guy
arrives in the traditional white pants (flared), 2" thick black
belt, white "dress" shoes with brown heels, and shoulder
length hair combed back with lots of brylcream. The girl's parents
take one look and gasp for breath. "Was this the guy Main-dhoondti-hoon
behen recommended so highly!?" they wonder.
The younger brother blurts out, "Hello, so you are the new
bakra!?" and is quickly silenced and sent to the other room
never to be seen or heard from again.
After the usual ’Namastes jees’ and ’Beta idhar
aake bethos’ the BIG moment arrives. The bride-to-be-or-not-to-be
arrives all decked out in the finest silk sari that her mom could
borrow from the neighbours. Tea set in hand (which, of course, belongs
to Mrs. Mera-teaset-lelo down the street) she walks towards the
groom-to-be-or-not-to-be a little hesitatingly. Her parents look
at her adoringly forgetting for that instant all the hassles they
had to go through to get her to agree to see this highly recommended
catch. She peeks at the guy and almost faints! What are they all
thinking about, you ask! Our extensive interviews indicate the following
trains of thought and what they actually say when the girl enters:
Bride-to-be-or-not-to-be: Eeeks! I spend the
rest of my life with this guy!? Hello to
the guy ... Namastejee
to the ma and pa
Groom-to-be-or-not-to-be: Drool... drool...
drool! Hmmm... I wonder if my drool is very obvious! Maybe I should
wipe it off...? Namaste to
the girl.
Guy's Dad: Hmmm… I wonder if Mr. Ladki-ka-baap
has any pull in the ministry.. Namaste beti
Guy's Mom: Did I just see her stoop to the
left a little when she walked... ? Beti mere paas
aake baitho
Gal's Dad: Hmmm.. I wonder if Mr. Drooler-ka-baap
has any pull in the industry... Beti chai idhar rakh
do
Gal's Mom: God, I hope she doesn't drop the
tea pot all over him... Yeh chai Hotbabe beti ne
banai hai
With this the small talk takes over as everyone drinks the tea (prepared,
of course, by the cook!). The usual questions are asked pertaining
to the girl's life history in general. The guy just stares at his
cup of tea, wondering what to say or do. The girl's dad notices
his daughter being grilled and decides to step in and save her :
Gal's Dad: Beta, tum bahut chup-chup ho...!
Guy: Flustered gulp Jee, Jee...
Blush, a manly one though
Guy's Mom to the rescue: Ajee yeh to aisa he hai. Zyaada
bolta-balta nahi.
Girl: Thinks - yeah, sure!
Guy's Dad: Bhai, aapki doosri ladkiyaan nahi dikhai deti!?
Gal's Mom: Woh… woh picture dekhne gayi hain...
Guy's Mom: Hmmm...I wonder why! Must ask Main-dhoondi-hoon
behen about them..
While all this is transpiring, the guy's mom is doing some fast
thinking for the future of her son. Her suspicion of the ‘stoop
while the girl walked’ has blossomed into a ’I'm certain
she stooped to the left while she was walking.’
She blurts out:
Guy's Mom: Beti, zara chal ke dikhana...
Girl: Kya!?
Guy: Mouth open, drools - a small puddle is
now visible on the floor.
A pregnant pause ensues. Things are definitely not going well. Besides,
the samosas are too salty.
Gal's Mom: Haan, haan Hotbabe beti. Joe aunty kehti hain,
woh karke dikha do.
Girl: A more disbelieving Kya!?
So, very reluctantly, she gets up to do ’the walk’ that
could well determine her fate and future. After the tantalizing-to-the-guy–and-agonizing-to-the-girl
2 minutes, the guy's mom looks visibly satisfied, realizing that
the girl's stoop was an optical illusion created by the high refractive
index of the Kanjivaram silk sari she is wearing.
Meanwhile, the girl's looking at the guy, as if asking, "Now,
let's see you pull that off!" Seeing the obvious stare, the
guy gets a little flustered wondering, "May be she is 'forward'…
the way she's looking at me..." The meaning of the stare is
completely lost on him.
THE
DECISION
|
The crucial point is fast approaching.
A decision is to made about the future course of action and
whether these two lonely hearts are to be united or even considered
for union.
Girl's Mom: Haan, to behenjee, phir aapka kya khyaal
hai...?
Guy's Mom: Ajee, behenjee, hamare kehne say kya hota
hai. Aajkal ke zamane mein to ladka-ladki maan jaye yahi kafi
hai hamare liye.
Girl's Dad: Bhai, ladka bhi yahin hai aur ladki bhi
yahin hai. Inhe hi baat karne do phir...
Guy's Dad: Haan, haan. Hum beech mein kabab-mein-haddi
kyun bane. Ha ha ha!
Guy: Looks all around with a what-have-I-done-to-deserve-this-agony
look Gulp
Girl: Feeling a sense of euphoria coming
on, and realizing that this was it - A ONE-ON-ONE! Forced
Blush No. 6 |
THE
ONE-ON-ONE (a.k.a. THE END)
|
This is it! This is the moment
she has been waiting for. Now there is no hiding behind mummyjee's
generous behind for Mr. Shadi-karane-chale-the-bhaisaab! In
an effort to ’take control of the situation’ our
charlie initiates the talk...
Guy: You look bhery one-durr-full...
Girl: Controlling the smirk Thanks.
So, what are you doing these days?
Guy: I am between jobs now. Spend lots of time at
home these days...
Girl: And what do you do at home "Help
mummy with the samosas, I bet," she thinks!
Guy: Oh, I read lots of magazines...
Girl: What are your Favourites ones...?
Guy: Ohh… Stardust, Femina, New Woman and others...
Girl: Almost rolls over in hysterics
Oh... mmmmmffff... achcha...
Guy: Would you like to go summ-dhay to a ress-traant...
Girl: Ummm... I don't think so...
Guy: Devastated look Ohh...
The end is near, as any person can tell by now to this entire
ordeal for our heroine-of-the-moment. Of course, next time
the tables could be turned and the whole situation reversed!
The amazing thing is that when a rejection is conveyed, it
is always a two-sided deal. That is, the girl and boy reject
each other simultaneously. One never hears that the girl/boy
rejected the other. It's as if the decision is reached at
the same instant in time. And so, after all this, we find
that their respective egos are still intact for the next such
encounter! |
THE
ARRANGED SUHAAG RAAT
|
In the never-ending quest for
truth, justice, and the Indian way of life, what follows is
a sequel to the arranged marriage - the Arranged Suhaag Raat.
Since we are going to delve deep into the Wedding Night of
a couple that, for all practical purposes (and I do mean practical!)
hasn't even met before, things could get pretty interesting
and sexually intense. Then again maybe not!
We start with our heroine from the arranged marriage fiasco,
Ms. Hotbabe Parayadhan, who has since found her mate, Mr.
Yeman Kyakiya, a well-settled professional drawing a five-figure
income. Hotbabe has a very vague idea regarding what her ‘naya-navela’
hubby does for a living. As her mother-in-law mentioned very
eloquently, "he works with computers ..." Suffice
it to say that he is not expected to be home most of the day.
She's still quite uncertain what he expects her to call him
and has made a mental note about asking him about that. She'd
definitely prefer "Honey" or "Darling"
to the old-fashioned "Ajee, sunte ho!", or worse,
"Suntay ho, Chunnu, Munnu, Lallu, Phateechar ke bapu",
but isn't quite sure of his reaction. Of course, she could
venture to call him by his (gasp) first name, but is quite
certain that mother-in-law won't stand for it. So, for now
he is just plain "Woh".
The wedding over, the newly-weds are traditionally expected
to spend the Suhaag Raat at an hotel - far, far from the often
irritating relatives and friends, who insist on being part
of each and every phase of the marriage. However, Mr. Kyakiya,
mindful of how expensive hotel rooms have become has decided
NOT to follow tradition. Instead the suhaag raat is to take
place AT HOME, presumably under the watchful eye of everyone
including his parents and Main-dhoondti-hoon behen, the go-between,
responsible for the present mess of Hotbabe. M. Behen is there
just to make sure that her match is successful! Of course,
Hotbabe is not aware of this change in plans, yet ... Kyakiya
bhaisaab is prepared. No, this is not the preparedness one
would expect from a person taking a one week trip to Bangkok.
Kyakiyajee has recently been schooled in the facts-of-life,
especially vis-a-vis the opposite sex. A second cousin, thrice
removed, and, more importantly, a woman, who fortunately is
a doctor, has been kind enough to furnish our hero with the
basics, so he doesn't mistake the word "carefree"
for chewing- gum and "periods" for what he had to
endure through high-school. The cousin, Dr. Meri-advice-lo,
has also clearly explained the significance of phrases such
as "Mere sar mein aaj dard hai" and "Abhi nahi,
koi dekh lega" and the associated subtleties. There is
however considerable tension and uncertainty. After all, one
doesn't go through ordeals like this everyday. "Ordeal!"
you exclaim? Well, of course, what else could Yeman be thinking,
given the fact that this is his third date, with a woman,
and the second with this particular one? There is, of course,
the anticipation of things to come, but the level of apprehension
exceeds it.
Meanwhile, Hotbabe is with her mother-in-law. who is busy
giving Hotbabe a quick run-down on her beloved son.
Mom-in-law: Beti, Yeman bahut light saleepurr hai.
Jara si bhi bhi movement usse jagaa deti hai.
Hotbabe: Thinks “Great, now tell
me he snores too!”, says Jee, achcha.
Mom-in-law: Aur woh kabhi-kabhi kharratein bhi marta
hai, agar usse zukhaam laga ho...
Hotbabe: Jee... Oh,
no!
Mom-in-law: Vaise tumhe to yeh sub cheezein jaldi
hi pata chal jayengee giving
her a knowing smile followed by a nudge.
Hotbabe: Says with the appropriate shyness
Jee... jee..
Mom-in-law: Arre, lo, isme sharmane ki kya baat hai?!
Hotbabe: Jee ... woh ... thinks
“Oh, God! When will this end!?”
Mom-in-law: With a knowing smile
Oh, main to bhool hi gayi. Yeman tumhaare liye wait
kar raha hoga |
KABABS
AND ASSORTED BONES
|
Hotbabe is concerned. Very concerned.
Is this what she really wanted? Was this THE guy for her?
All these uncertainties… all these doubts… Instead
of being away from everyone, she is now in their very midst
with almost no privacy. And to top it all, this was to be
the night she was supposed to have waited for all this time.
She could feel a headache coming on...
Enter our hero, Yeman. He's a little uncertain on what to
say. So, he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind:
Yeman: "What's up... ?"
Hotbabe: Takes one look at him and almost
bursts out laughing. She suppresses the urge to retort "You
tell me" and instead intones a "Oh,
nothing ... "
Yeman, realizing the question was kind of dumb, feels at a
loss for words. Suddenly, a knock on the door ...
Yeman: Thinks - Bach gaya!
Hotbabe: Thinks - Great, just what I
need. Another kabaab-mein-haddi
Mom-in-law: At the door Beta,
yeh garam doodh ley lo ...
Hotbabe thinks - Wonderful! He drinks the milk and that's
the end of that. First thing you know, he's fast asleep and
snoring. Of course, she doesn't realize that sleep is the
farthest thing from
Ye-man's mind ...
Yeman: Nahi, mummyjee, rehne do...
Mom-in-law: Beta, doctor ne kaha hai...
Hotbabe, eyebrows raised, looks at Yeman.
Yeman to Hotbabe: Mujhe
calcium deficiency hai ...
and to his mom: Mummyjee
abhi nahi. Rehne do ...
Mom-in-law: Lekin beta, doctor ne to kaha hai tumhe
energy chahiye ...
Hotbabe almost bursts out laughing
Yemen: Mummy, please... !
Mom-in-law: Very reluctantly Oh, achcha...
Hotbabe sighs
Yeman: Sorry... Mummy kabhi-kabhi overdo kar deti
hain...
Hotbabe: A little uncertain on how to
respond: Ohh... |
CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS |
A pregnant pause ensues. Yeman's wondering what he should
do. Should he just pile on, or is he expected to be subtle
about the whole thing? What was it that his friend, Atul U.
Sub-kuch, had mentioned the other day? Yes! Something about
being REALLY patient and slow. He recalled Atul mention that
marriage was more like a test match than a one-day international
and that he had to stay at the crease and not go all out right
off the bat. Of course, all this could mean that Atul knew
a lot about cricket and not much else!
Yeman: Thinks I definitely don't want
a repeat of that incident with Hema Yeh-kya-kar-raha-hai,
says To aap kaise ho ...?
Hotbabe: Hot ...
Yeman: Appearing a little surprised
and, yes, perhaps a little shocked at the sudden ’forwardness’
of his nai-naveli dulhan brand new wife. Ohh...
Hotbabe: noticing the gradual change
in Yeman's facial expression, from the usual I-am-so-confused
to what appears to be insatiable lust, realizes the significance
of her reply No, no! I mean it's hot in here
...
Yeman: Ohh, I'll turn on the AC ...
Hotbabe: Nahi, rehne deejiye.
By this time, Yeman's getting a little impatient. Obviously,
Atul's advice is not doing the trick. In fact, he's not even
sure what the trick's supposed to be! He slowly approaches
Hotbabe admiring her facial features for the first time. Coming
really close now, he finds himself complimenting her.
Yeman: Aap bahut achchi lagti hain.
Hotbabe: Mutters Thanks
... Thinks - I wish he'd brush
his teeth and get rid of that beer stink.
Seeing Hotbabe turn her face away from him doesn't do wonders
for Yeman's fast deflating ego. By now he's wishing he'd seen
all those videos his friends used to rent. He did recall parts
of “Debbie Does Delhi", but that particular one
had almost no relevance to his present predicament.
Suddenly, Yeman recalls the missing link! Of course, it was
that book Atul had given him with a, "Boss, is mein sab
kuch hai jo tujhe chahiye. Iss kitaab mein information thoons-thoons
ke bhari hai”. Wondering where he'd hidden the darn
book (from mummy-jee, of course!) he quickly glances around.
Hotbabe: Thinks - Hmmmm... is he looking
for the quickest escape route? Asks Something
wrong... ?
Yeman: No, no... can you wait a minute... ?
Hotbabe: Thinks - Well, where do you
think I'm going. Says Nahi, nahi. Aap apna
time leejiye. Main theek hoon.
Watching Yeman head for the bathroom, she marvels at her hubby's
nervousness. A little amused, but more concerned than anything
else, she tries to recall what her mom had adviced her the
other day ...
"Usse garam doodh mat peenay dena. Tumhare daddy nay
do glass piye thay aur phir bistar par laitay he neend aa
gayi thi."
Hotbabe: Thinks - Hmmmm... good I managed
to do that. What else did she say... ? "Usse lead
lene do. Vaise aadmi log ko zyaada pata nahi hota ki kya karna
hai, lekin tum kuch na karo, to unko achcha lagta hai. Usko
boyfriend ki tarah treat nahi karna, achcha!?"
Hotbabe remembered how embarrassed she'd been at the advice
that time, especially after mummy's boyfriend remark. Probably
valuable advice… given the present situation...
Hotbabe thinks - Well, doesn't look
like that's the case here.
Meanwhile, Yeman is busy reading the ’bible’ Atul
gave him as a wedding gift. I am, of course, referring to
the ‘Kamasutra’. As couples embarking on a ’new’
life are often told - "Don't leave home without it!".
Yeman is trying to speed read his way through what appears
to be a fascinating book full of rather interesting pictures!
Wishing he had looked at it earlier, he now realizes that
there are so many things to be learned. He proceeds to read...
Yeman: Loudly - Aargh! Saali
sab bakvas cheezay likhi hain!
Hotbabe: From the other room
Jee... ? Kuch kaha aapne?
Yeman: Stuffing the Kamasutra book where
he'd found it Nahi, nahi. Tum so jao...
Hotbabe: Not sure if she'd heard correctly
Jee...! Kya!?
Yeman: Realizing his folly Mera
matlab hai... main abhi aata hoon...
Hotbabe: Letting out a barely audible
sigh Oh...
By this time, Yeman has almost given up any hope of coming
up with a solution to his mess. Then, in a blinding flash,
his dad's words of wisdom come to mind... "Beta,
itna darne ki koi zaroorat nahi. Meri baat mano aur, jab time
aaye, to maidaan-e-jang mein kood padna! Arre, mujhe hi dekho
na. Ek number ke sher the hum apne zamaane mein. Sher ke bachche
ho tum!"
Yeman feels that sudden rush of adrenaline taking over his
bodily functions with a renewed vigor. Yes! I am a MAN. Better
still, I am an ALL INDIAN MALE! If I can get married, what
could be worse!? Daddyjee was right! Go phaar (for) it! Yes!
Go phhar it! Yes! YES!! ...Yeman doesn't realize that he is
not in the bathroom anymore but standing in his undies in
front of his now bewildered wife!
Yeman: YES!
Hotbabe: Puzzled look Yes...
?
Yeman: Yes!
Hotbabe: Yes!
Yeman jumps on the bed and pulls the covers over him ...
Come now, you don’t really expect me to go on, do you?
|
o The intention of this article is not to
bruise any egos or to make fun of any particular
religion, caste or creed.
o Any resemblence to any person, living
or dead, is purely coincidental (although,
chances are high!) |
