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Great
Expectations |
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Scene
1
A bride is sitting, waiting on her wedding night for her hubby dearest
while she is dreaming about her future, expecting to be showered
with abundant love and affection. |
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Scene
2
A drunkard enters the room and shouts incoherently at the coy figure
sitting timidly on the bed and declares that their marriage was
a sham and that he does not accept her as his wife. |
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Scene
3
A close up of the poor little thing crying, trying to make sense
out of the nonsense. But one thing is clear – her dreams are
shattered … forever …
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Although
the above sounds like an extreme example from the regular soap operas
on T.V., there is some truth in it. Everyone who enters into matrimony
does so with loads of anticipations and expectations. Sadly, most
of the times, people are disappointed. And it turns out to be a
lonely way to realisation that all is not what you hoped for. |
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The elderly and experienced have always advised that the way
to marital harmony is not to have any expectations at all. They
believe that expectations are the main reasons of marital discord
and therefore they (i.e., hopes, dreams, anticipations, expectations)
should be treated as outcasts in marriages. But is it humanly
possible to do so?
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Let
us consider Urmila’s example. Urmila Gupta is today an old
lady with an intense and an immense drive to succeed in this world.
When she married her husband (carefully chosen as he hailed from
a very rich and influential family), she expected that both - her
husband and she together - would take the world by storm. But she
was in for a major disappointment as it turned out that her husband
was quite contented with whatever he had. She tried hard to ignite
the flame of winning and achieving money and fame in him, but she
failed. Their relationship began dissolving in fights that increased
in numbers & intensity, while all love was lost. Today they
are divorced, living separate lives in completely different worlds. |
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Couldn’t
Urmila have been a little more accommodating of her husband’s
beliefs? After all what is wrong with a self-contented man? |
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If
delved deeply into marital problems, one will realise that passive
acceptance or outright rejection of situations are extreme solutions
that might not help relationships at all. Rather, thinking about
the kind of expectations we have from our spouses, determining and
then eliminating the ‘unrealistic ones’, is the best
solution.
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Like
Urmilla, all of us dream of an ‘Ideal’ marriage. But
the basic idea that one’s marriage is going to be ‘perfect’
in itself is so ‘imperfect’. We expect our spouses to
love us forever, give us undivided attention, bear all our misgivings.
In addition to that, we expect them to be perfect, understanding,
caring, loving, forgiving, dynamic achievers, leaders, the best
in whatever they do, and the list can go on forever. We want our
partners to accept us with all our drawbacks and shortcomings but
we fail to respond similarly. This indicates that we have conveniently
overlooked the concept of ‘unconditional love’- something
on the basis of which we got married in the first place. The concept
of expectations is at a complete tangent to that of unconditional
love. And until one realises that unconditional love is the only
way to a successful marriage, happiness in marriage can never be
achieved.
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Besides
that we also need to keep aside those fairytale romances that we
read as infants and take a reality check at ourselves. Some matters
on which couples clash with each other are universal in nature,
for e.g., the husband expects his wife to cook everyday sumptuous
meals, despite knowing that she is one of those ‘I-hate-cooking’
kinds, whereas the wife expects him to show her perennial love even
after a hard day’s work. And when these little fantasies remain
unfulfilled we feel cheated and disillusioned. Therefore it has
been said that the ratio of expectations equals the ratio of divorces.
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To
reiterate, it does not imply that all expectations should be abandoned.
Rather it becomes necessary to work your way towards realising them.
That is how you reduce the distance between your present and what
is called ‘a perfect marriage’. The warning is for those
who become a victim of the fixation syndrome. If there are some
wishes that cannot be fulfilled, then you need to move on. There
is going to be another dream demanding your energy, time & attention.
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But
if you strongly believe in any change that you want in your spouse’s
behaviour or attitude or in the marriage as a whole, evaluate your
desire and then communicate and share it with your spouse. Your
spouse would never know what is expected out of him or her unless
not specifically said.
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Last
but not the least, keep reminding yourself of the ‘till death
do us part’ vows that you took during the marriage ceremony,
for they will surely help you through all difficult times faced
in relationships. If you are really in love with your spouse and
your relationship matters the world to you, then you will never
let these unfulfilled wishes hamper the bond.
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